Today I had the time to think through my whole situation: I want to reduce my thoughts to make it as simple as possible.
I have to assume my thoughts is only concerning me.
So for simplification purposes, I only think of myself.
What do I need to do to be self-sustaining? I need to make the model as small as possible. This idea of adding family members and others is not comforting at all After all it is my goal to reach White Space.
The main issue is with Sarah and Els.
So if Sarah is agreeable, then it'a just me, her, Lizzie, the kids and Al Araf 7:7. I have to make this decision so that I am CLEAR of my decision to move forward.
I am still a loner and I not going to be a people person anytime soon. I think I had done enough for everybody else. White Space is purely my indulgence.
I decided to do away with Els. If I do that I can do away with extended family and the others. I have all the rights to change my mind. The idea of sharing White Space with others is not something I am willing to do.
I rather keep White Space to my Tetrahedron and Al Araf 7:7 than opening up to so many people. I need a sanctuary not a commune.
If I can *[like] like this for the next 22 years, then I can do this for eternity. Why do I need to make it so crowded?
Heck, I don't even need House of Two Swords.
All I need is just Sarah, Lizzie, the kids and Al Araf 7:7. The rest are clouds in the coffee.
"You need your House of Two Swords Ayah, " said Wiley Kat.
Fine... I keep my House of Two Swords. But that's all. White Space is exclusively mine.
* Sarah, as I mentioned, White Space is a place in time. Therefore as far as I am concern it is here and now. I already got my House of Two Swords with those things my right hand possesses (my belongings, those Borgs and Gayshas). They are my past, present and future. So I am already living in the White Space with you. This is it. We have arrived!
Brb... Going to the bank.
Sorry, change of plan. Lizzie is not well.
So if you are wondering what White Space is like, Sarah, then you are looking at it. Pure bliss. In order to be in that state of mind I should not contaminate it with fear, uncertainty and doubt. External Affairs are certainly the sources of FUD. They create distortions like my relationship with Chedet, Els and Konek. Even my relationship with BJ is a distortion because it makes me want to smoke pot.
So what is the ideal White Space IF we say White Space is now? None other that me interacting with you, Lizzie, the kids and Al Araf 7:7. Beyond that is my interaction with my surrounding; the swimming, the tennis, the Bukit Kiara, the Lembah Kiara and the varieties the malls got to offer.
I can say that if I do all that while having TraXX as my Cybernetic Loop and Els as my Bee (meaning I send her gift on anniversaries and birthdays) I don't need to think too far ahead. White Space is NOW!
Let's think about this for a while. Things that I do in White Space are the things I do to make me feel happy. Having the crowd is definitely not. What about External Affairs? Well I like interacting with Chedet and Els for example but they are one way streets. Same with my interaction with Konek. That is already a violation of the communication process. Communication is 2 ways.
With Els I may or may not send her gifts. The action does make me happy but is it worth the money? I might as well spend it on Lizzie and the kids like I did with Princess. For heaven's sake, Lizzie even bought me a car! With Els, it's like throwing salt to the sea..
Charity begins at home. Even if I spend it on Mopey, she only asked me to spend RM60 on a shawl. So rather spend lavishly on Els, I'll buy a book for her birthday. Better still I simply forgo the idea of sending her gifts. She is nothing more than a Starfish when comes to reciprocating me in this relationship. The dopamine hits are too sporadic. It is not worth the effort.
Therefore to maximize pleasure I just focus on those who are reciprocal. Yati for example is more reciprocating than Els. Azzue is definitely much better. Heck, everybody else is much better than Els. So time to get real.
I need to look as Els for what she is. She is just a little girl in a grown woman's body. I like her because she is child-like but in reality, she is just being childish. She has the potential to hurt me by being a Starfish. So [] think I just treat her as I treat other Bees, as nobody special. The problem arises when I start putting her on the pedestal. That's what happened. We were OK in the beginning. The problem started when I became attached to her.
So Sarah, I think I just drop Els from the equation. I am just making a fool of myself dealing with her. I am just reinforcing my Parent-Child ego state. Already because of her, my relationship with you was effected. I am not a doormat to harp for her attention. All I need to do is not listen to her anymore.
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