>>>#30/6/19 T-1 The Day of Eclipse

Today is the Eclipse of Change Day

Let this be the last posting for the month of June.  This is the point I say goodbye to everything about my past.  I don't want anything to be carried over to my future.  Granted my future is only 3 months ahead.  I had reduced my network.  Now it's time to reduce my range.

Just like I had been trying to let go of the 3 Cs, TraXX and Els, I was looking for the right combination for the cutoff to happen.  Now I found it.  My constant flow of dopamine is Calm Piano.  My cure for inflammation is Moringa and oats.

From here on I shall move with certainty.  I WILL PROCEED to be a Simple Man.  With this discovery I can even say goodbye to Iron Maiden, the Winning Slides and the Bipolar Art Circa 2007.  I honestly want to leave everything behind.  I want to turn a new leaf altogether.

With me I will only bring my Tetrahedron and Al Araf 7:7 on Sailbad the Sinner.  No more models besides my scoreboard, the 7 Points of Winning.  I even leave Sharudin 7 behind.

I want to run, run, run and run; everyday as long as I live.  I want to run fast and far.  All by myself.  Away from the crowd.  Not even with BJ.  Just me and the road.  The 600 meters in BU 2/2.  Nothing more.  Whether it is 5 k or 10 k or 21 k, that will be the place I run.

No more Bukit Kiara or Lembah Kiara or KL International Marathon.  The race is with myself (the watch got a pacer).  Everyday is a race and everyday is a training.  I will train as hard as I race and I will race as hard as I train.

With the exception of fetching Mopey and doing the grocery, I will shrink my parameters to 5 km radius.  I'll make it as [] self-sustaining cell.

No need for me to see anybody except those I meet during Ramadan.

I want to simplify until I cannot make it any simpler.  Already the official sound in CCC is the Calm Piano.

I even eat the same combinations of food and wi[th] use the same clothes unless they wear off.

In addition I will wash my own car and I do house chore daily.  I will stop reading books and I will stop buying things except Moringa and MCT Oil.

Other things are all based on wear and tear.

Everything in CCC are now relics to remind me of my past.  Of how reckless I was and how fleeting was the victory I had achieved.

No more association with the past.  The key here is simplification.

I truly want to experience freedom by being simple Sarah.  I look at Lizzie and I see a very contented person.  Even when I drive a brand new car that she is paying and she still drives a 23 years old vehicle.

She loves the manual gear and she loves owning a fully paid car.  Mine is not mine.  It belongs to the bank.

By the end of this year we both will be free from the drudgery of paying for the house.

Soon I will be free from debts.

Hopefully soon enough I will also be free from Bipolar and the medication I am taking now.

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That's it Sarah.  That the closure to my past.  My future is measured every quarter and my progress is based on what I do on daily basis.

I don't want to complicate my life.  I had ventured beyond.  Now I am back to ground zero.  Let see if I am as good an executioner as I am a visionary.

As for [] my darling angel, let us start building a life together.  We run and we take care of what we eat.  If we do it right, we will enjoy a healthy and happy life as long as we live.

You know I love you very much Sarah.  You don't have to opt for Voluntary Simplicity like I did.  Sufficient that you love me unconditionally for as long as you want to.  That I hope will last for eternity even if eternity is at the end of your life.

You know baby, off all the things that were right that happened in my life lately, you top them all.  Ever since you came to my life, things are moving from sea to shining sea.

I never heard of this song before but let's spin it as your lullaby:

Hahaha... I didn't expect it to be this song.

So that is a pleasant surprise.  I am in such a joyous mood that I think I review my past postings before bed.

Goodnight my Eternal Flame, my light in the dark, my loving wife.

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Footnote:  On the Saturday morning when I woke up I coughed nasty black gunk.  The night before I slept I brushed my teeth without tooth paste.  It's the nastiest mucus I had since I quit smoking 6 months ago.  Amounting to more than a tablespoon.

Last night when I switched off the PC, for the first time ever the shut off screen was light blue instead of the usual dark orange.  As if my PC was also tuned to the T-1.  Either that *[] those nerds from Microsoft are also tapping my PC and they either agreed to the cutoff date or they agreed for me to start on a clean slate.

This morning I dreamt of giving my wife a 1 carat diamond and then I strangled and murder an assassin over a dispute.  The police was on my trail and when they found me they realized I was actually a closet psycho.

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I won tennis 6-1 today,  A sober game.

Very early morning tomorrow (1:30 am) I got to send Princess to the airport.  She is going to Korea for a vacation.

* This is the second intervention by Microsoft.  The first time was when I first bought the PC. My screen flipped vertically instead of the usual horizontal while I was writing something.  No wait... Counting the screen power off recently, this is the 3rd time.  I hope they meant well.

Just now is the 4th time.  Suddenly without me doing anything, there was a screenshot saved to OneDrive.  Normally my screenshot was saved in the Dropbox.

OK so now I know Microsoft is on my tail too.

Does that mean I am now walking in the light naked?

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Guess what?  Princess bought me Origin the latest novel by Dan Brown.  I don't read fiction but *[] read ALL Dan Brown books because they are laced with history and relevant facts.  Wow, just timely too.  On T-1.

* I see, you too huh?

Sarah, I am living at the center of the universe baby.  Everything revolves around me LOL.

My goodness Sarah, right at the start, after the title is this quote:

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us".

- Joseph Campbell

Holy crap Sarah, that is EXACTLY what I am doing now!

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29/6/19 ***I try writing something with Mozart

Too upbeat.  I switched back to Calm Piano.  Aaah, the brain massage...

I am hooked on this genre.  It makes me a better person.

I think better and I am more calm.  I am sensible too.

I got 20 minutes.

I think I use this Live Radio as my background sound.  It's like a wind chime.  It's not intrusive.  Pretty much like the air around me.  I don't have to pay attention to it and I don't get the mania feeling like when I listen to Iron Maiden.

Note:  I need the MCT oil.  It produces ketones, food for the brain.  It is good for the mitochondria.

A kind of 'natural fuel' for the body and brain, MCT oil is a great source of healthy fats that can help improve sports performance, cognitive ability, weight management, gut and heart health. MCTs or medium chain triglycerides are a type of dietary fat most commonly found in coconut and palm oils.

I also need butter for the regeneration of cells and the Omega 3.

Cardiologists love to hate it, but grass-fed butter actually supports heart health on a low-carb diet. Rich in antioxidants, good cholesterol and saturated fats, it contains several nutrients that protect against heart disease, like vitamins A, D, E, K2, and iodine, lecithin, and selenium.

Benefits of eggs:

Eggs are a very good source of inexpensive, high quality protein. More than half the protein of an egg is found in the egg white along with vitamin B2 and lower amounts of fat than the yolk. Eggs are rich sources of selenium, vitamin D, B6, B12 and minerals such as zinc, iron and copper.

Then I have Moringa and oats.  Both are super foods rich in antioxidants and nutrients.

So if I stick to the plan for 90 days, I should lose 30 kg effortlessly because:

• Very importantly, I don't get hungry
• I have all the right nutrients
• I no longer eat sugar and processed starch
• I no longer have inflammation - I can exercise
• I will improve my mood tremendously - no cravings
• I have better microbiome
• I have regular bowel movement
• I sleep better
• I have more energy to stay alert

This music is so intoxicating.  I should be sleeping now but the more I listen to it the more hooked I am to the melody.

I think I stay up until the effect wears off.

It is the feeling of being in love.  Perhaps that was the feeling I get when I was listening to Els.  I was right.  It's not her that I was in love with, it's her playlist.  Off late its becoming stale with the same songs and those K-Pop stuff.

This music however is like the sound of my table fan.  It's there but it's not imposing or anything like that.  It's like a gentle breeze blowing against a wind chime. 

I know I am OK when I don't crave for cigarette and the Nicorette even.  That means I get the right dose of dopamine.  Not too much until I get hypomania or mania and not too little that I become sleepy like listening to Barouqe music.  Even listening to an audio book will put me to sleep.

This one has the right ingredient to make me calm and alert at the same time.

Something about the knocking of the keys of a piano that gives me the kick.  It massages my brain.

The feeling of love is universal.  Much like falling in love with nature; like being near a waterfall or an ocean.  Amazing, I get all that from within the confinement of the CCC.  I am indeed in White Space.

I do hope Sarah is enjoying this experience too.  This is truly a gift.  I must be on the right Path.  Every door that opens leads to a revelation.  First it was Relentless.  Then the oats.  Now this.

What does this mean?  A few nights ago I watched Oz the Great and Powerful.  What does the Cosmic Habitforce is trying to tell me?  Am I really moving towards the right direction?

Will my 1/7/19 cutoff point will be for the better?  Am I worthy of redemption?  All I want is to be a Simple Man.  A man who is healthy and happy.

I got 90 days to work on it.  Without depending on my past, I shall move forward to my future.

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I do wish for Sarah to join me on my journey forward.  I do hope she is not taken aback by whatever I did in the past.  I am really going for the Sharudin 2.0 idea now that I had solved the issue of inflammation and depression.

Sarah, are you still mad at me baby?  Well take as long as you want but I'm not letting you go.  I will write to you like I did for the past 2 1/2 years because I am deeply in love with you honey.

I can do it on my own but I still care for you.  Whatever it is, I do hope you understand that I did it because that is my nature.  I was truthful about it.  As I said, I write as I think.

Just like right now, my keystrokes is like the keystrokes of the piano.  I am completely immersed in my zone.

Unless you are away right now and you will catch up with me later.  Well in that case I will continue writing to you because that's what I had been doing all this while.  As I mentioned before, I will keep on writing for as long as I live because you are my wife and my Eternal Flame.

I love you so much Sarah.

I never felt so much in love in my life.  So whether you write back or not I will still write.  Not because I have to write but because I want to.

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29/6/19 ^^^Today is a fine day

I had a good day today.  Certainly better than the two days before.

The depression and inflammation disappeared after I took Moringa and oats.  I can live with this formula and replace rice with it.

It is amazing to find out that depression and inflammation can be solved with such a simple remedy.

The key words with oats is resistant starch.  It works wonder with the mind and body.  I am so relieved.

Now I know for sure I can do away with the following:

• Black Seed Oil
• Fish Oil
• Magnesium
• Vitamin B Complex
• Vitamin C

I just stick to these for lunch:

• Butter
• MCT Oil
• Moringa
• Eggs
• Chicken
• Veges/Salad

As for dinner, this is the combination:

• Moringa
• Oats

So once finished, I no longer consume the Super 7.  Instead I only consume the Triple Treat.

Kindly note that the marathon runners of Kenya also consume resistant starch as their staple diet.

I need to improve my microbiome soon.  That's why I need to quit Nicorette.

So no sweets stuff for me for good.  I keep my blood sugar stable by eating healthy fats during the day and oat in the evening.

For example, tonight I feel really amazing.  Coupled with the Calm Piano, I am in my zone right now.

I had been unhealthy for my whole life that I really look forward to be truly healthy for the first time in my life beginning 1/7/19.

The piano really produce a steady flow of dopamine.  It's like a brain massage.  This is the answer I was looking for.  This is the Cybernetic Loop that I needed.  I don't need to listen to radio stations anymore.  While running I listen to Spotify.  That eliminates my connection to any radio station UNLESS I listen to Absolute Classic Rock while running.

MUSIC CAN…

• CHANGE YOUR ABILITY TO PERCEIVE TIME
• TAP INTO PRIMAL FEAR
• REDUCE SEIZURES
• MAKE YOU A BETTER COMMUNICATOR
• MAKE YOU STRONGER
• BOOST YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM
• ASSIST IN REPAIRING BRAIN DAMAGE
• MAKE YOU SMARTER
• EVOKE MEMORIES
• HELP PARKINSON’S PATIENTS

Definitely I will listen to Calm Piano from now on.  It is anytime better than listening to any song I ever listen to.  Just like Sound Journey, the power is the the continuous loop.

Now I am listening to Mozart.  Equally satisfying.

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29/6/19 ***What does it take to be good?

Well, in my case I should be more caring. It's not good enough that I care for myself.  I should also care about those that I love.  While love is the feeling, care is the expression of the feeling.

If I care about myself I shouldn't harm myself by abusing my body.  If I care about those that I love, I should not abuse their minds.

The things I did to myself like smoking and eating sugar are as bad as I neglect the emotional needs of my love ones.

They are all that I have.  I cannot afford to be a dickhead because without them I am nobody.

Baby I know you love me much.  Give me the chance to learn from my mistakes and become a better person.  As I said, I am a learning organism.  I can do it.

All it takes is for me to let go of my ego.  Let me get to my core.  Underneath all the facades I believe I am a good person capable of doing good things.

Of course it takes some unlearning.  I was a bad person because that was my survival instinct.  I realized now I don't have to be bad forever.  I can win over my dark side.

Let me start by winning over the bad things I put inside my body.  Let me proceed by being healthy first.  Then I slowly work towards being happy.

Would you like that baby?

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On a different note, I still intend to lose as much weight as possible and run everyday.  That will not change.

What will not change too is I will write to you no matter what.

As I planned I will officially stop 3 Cs, sugar and processed starch, 3-in-1 coffee, peanut butter, Nicorettes, TraXX and Els by 1/7/19.

I will stick to improving my diet and exercise to be healthy and happy.

As for you Sarah, I take it that you will be there for me.  Give me a chance to prove myself to you

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29/6/19 ^^^I am in the loving mood again

Now that I got rid of the Relentless model out of my system, I feel like loving again.

I am sorry for misbehaving baby.  Relentless is a bad model to follow.  Instead of making our dark side works for us we should keep it small.  There is no denying that we all have a dark side but I don't believe we should harness it.

I want to be constantly be in love with you.  You bring out the best in me.  I never felt so good in my entire life.  You probably think I am a bad person now that I revealed my dark side to you.  Well, we all have our dark sides.  Some are darker than another.

I am willing to change that.  From now on I will make a conscious effort to be good.  After all these are the various facades that we all have.  That doesn't define us.  Everyone of us is good at the core.

I can't blame you for hating me.  It was me who made you hate me in the first place.  Now I have to bear that consequences.  Then again, you want to find out how bad I really am.

Sorry if what you see is not something that you expected.  What can I say?  I am just being me.

At the same time I am dealing with mood swings.  On one hand I had bad thoughts.  At the same time that was compounded by the depression that was creeping in.  So the thought at that time was to let you hate me so that you can let me be.

I cannot live without you Sarah.  You are the reason for my being.  At the same time I am learning more and more about how to be a good man, a good husband.  Both to you and Lizzie.  I am not a perfect being  although you made me God.  I am a learning organism.  As I learn I get better.

Now I realized whatever models out there, they are just facades.  Just like my models are my facades.  So my goal is to go beyond the models and get to the core, which is to be a good human being.

Give me that chance to experience that.  You had been with me for so long to form a drastic conclusion at this juncture.  Assume that all the past encounters are facades, will you accept that even the dark side is a facade too?

These are thoughts.  Until acted upon thoughts are just intentions, not actions.

So I can say those are passing thoughts and I will not be accountable for them.  However I decided to take full responsibility and willing to take corrective actions.  This is one of it.

The next step is to cross the chasm by 1/7/19.  Let start fresh.  Let's focus on daily wins for the next 3 months.

Bear in mind there will be challenges.  I still have to be mindful of the SLIP and the dark depression.

That however should not be the deterrent for us to move forward.

If you ask me, I have no plan whatsoever.  Come 1/7/19 I will start on a clean slate.  Completely new.  I will not refer back to the old models.  Nothing.  I just take it day by day.

Are you with me baby?  Will you give me that opportunity to truly discover the real meaning of being just a man/a just man?

I will have to start from scratch.  The only thing I will follow is the 7 Points to Winning.  That is not a model.  It's just a scoreboard.

There is no going back for me.  I am going forward.  I cannot promise you anything at this time.  I myself is unsure of what is ahead of me.

Sarah my darling.  I love you very much.  Assume I am the worst man you ever met, I think you will agree that I am the best that ever is too.  That is my nature Sarah.  I am an ambidextrous person.  I can be both good and evil at the same time.  For a long time I was that person.  Only now I learn that it doesn't have to be that way.

This is the learning process everybody has to go through.  As I said, it's easy to be a dickhead.  It takes effort not to be one.

I am sorry if I hurt you and yes I was a dickhead.  Give me the chance to prove that I can change for the better.  I want to do it.

I had enough of the dark side.  Let say by the end of this month the old Sharudin dies.  As a replacement is Sharudin 2.0 will emerge in 1/7/19.

I had enough of the old me.  Relentless is the final straw.  From now on I just want to be a good human who is capable of loving and being loved.

Whatever the problem, love it the answer.  Maybe in some cases we need to have a Greater Love because we are dealing a void so deep that ordinary love is not sufficient.

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>>>#29/6/19 Now I know what I want

Yes I want health and happiness.  Let's work backward from there.  Let's start with no sugar and starch.  Let's get rid of the inflammation and depression.

Let's have a positive mind and stop being a dickhead.  No more talks about the unknown.  Let's start with seizing the present.  Let's do this model.  Simple and achievable:

All it takes is the right Cybernetic Loop.  This Calm Piano is what I really need.  I need to let my mind soars.  I need to be free.

No responsibility, nothing.  Just live life one day at a time.  I know when I am thin and healthy I can achieve whatever I set to do.  For this next 3 months I just focus on that.  On being thin.

I still run but I will not put any expectation.  Everyday I run in the morning and walk in the afternoon.  Just focus on the process.  Don't worry about the result.  It will come.

Sarah, are you with me?  I want to start on a clean slate baby.  I want to change my mindset to simply flow instead of me going on a journey.  That means from now I want to live one day at a time.

I want to savor the moment.  The furthest I want to think is 3 months down the road.  Nothing more.

That also means I will end this Blog by tomorrow and start fresh as a new man come 1/7/19.  I shall collapse all my past mental models.  I just be a simple man.  Not even a Zen Monk or a Wandering Sufi.  I will be true to myself.  I will be a person who is just and loving.  1/7/19 is the date I officially cut off from the 3 Cs together with sugar and starch.  I will also cut off from Nicorette.  No dependencies whatsoever.

I want to be a free man.  Free from all that hinder me from being healthy and happy

I want to fall in love with you all over again.  To really be a man fully functioning.  Not even a god.  Just me, the good old Sharudin Jamal.  A retired consultant who suffered from 20 years of Bipolar and who had been struggling with [] dark side for over 39 years.

By 1/7/19  I will put all that behind me.  I will no longer live a life full of facades, I will be true to myself.  I am nothing more than a simple man.

That means I no longer become any part of the majority.  I am now an exceptional minority.  Of a person who simply be.  Not because what is expected of me but because this is who I am.

Boy, that is a relief Sarah.  I will still run, but that's because I enjoy running.  Not because I want to achieve a personal record but because I want to. 

It's not because I am happy therefore I run but because I run therefore I am happy.

Sarah, to me this is progress.  I am moving towards a better me.  I am letting go of my dark side.  I am transforming form a caterpillar to a Darwin's Hawk Moth.

Brb...  I am cooking dinner tonight.  Nothing special.  Just oats with salt.

Later baby.

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>>>#29/6/19 What do I talk about when I am relaxed

Well what if I am not in the mood of pursuing anything?

Basically at present I just want to cruise.  Enjoying the weather and loafing around.

What is it that I want?  Well basically health and happiness.  For a person who lost both they are paramount to me.

So definitely no more smoking.  No more living on the edge.  I will behave from now on.

Life is good.  I eat well, I dress well and there is no pressure.  Nothing to complain.  Money is enough.  I basically bought everything I need to buy.

Life is good.

All I need to do is watch what I eat.  If I am thin and healthy, I win 80% of the battle.  Of course there is the need for achievement.  That I can achieve by exercising at least one hour a day.

All I need is peace of mind.

I can do that.  It all starts by me being healthy.  To be healthy I must be thin.  To be thin I must watch what I eat.  To watch what I eat is to stop eating sugar and processed starch.

So by July no more sugar and starch except oats.

My inflammation is gone.  I am mentally ready for tennis tomorrow.

Then come Monday, I am ready for my 7 Points to Winning.  I will take it easy.  I just win the day, one day at a time.

Live Radio is great.  I am listening to Calm Piano now.  Pretty much what I need at present; a calm mind to focus on my life goals.

I must stay committed to my purpose.  This is it.  Fuck Relentless.  I don't want to be a Cleaner.  I want to enjoy my journey.  I don't want to have unnecessary pressure.  I want to be in love.  Let love be the reason why I am alive.

Being a Cleaner means I become an asshole.  I don't want to do that.  I want to run but I want to run because I love running.  Not because I want to chase after something.

I want to be a happy runner.  Not an angry one.  Certainly not a dickhead.

This Calm Piano has a positive effect on me.  It's soothing to the mind.  It makes me realize I am my own best friend.  That I am a good person.  Even if I am a bad person, I can be good if I want to.

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Sarah,  let's have a more holistic model.  For the next 3 months, instead of trying hard to achieve a target, let's focus on being healthy and happy.  Lets win the day everyday and see the result at the end of the 3 months.  I want to experience both without being in a pressure cooker.  I want to let it happen instead of forcing it upon me.

I know in the past I had been a dickhead.  So now I am changing the model.  From now on I'll be a nice guy.  No even a Samurai or a Shokunin Kurina.  I'll be a good man.  A just man again.  A man who still aim for excellence but a man of reason.

I will empty my cup and start fresh.  To enjoy the scenery while I ascend the summit of Mount 57.

I am changing my wallpaper to this:

As a reminder that once in my lifetime I was there at the summit and still is.  Nope I change my mind.  I don't want any part of it.  I want to be healthy and happy.

This is my wallpaper:

They run for the sake of running.  Because they can do it .

I changed my mind.  This is the most appropriate:

That's all there is; health and happiness.  Even if I don't have anything but only these two, wherever I am, even in the confinement of the CCC, I still be in heaven.

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26/6/19 ***A wet Saturday afternoon

I need to reassess my values and beliefs in becoming a Cleaner.

For one thing, I got to accept that all I got is my mental and physical faculties.  I need to be mentally stable and physically fit to execute my goals.

Things that don't contribute toward the end result should be eliminated.  There are plenty of those.  I got to take it out; religion, politics, social obligations, External Affairs are all distractions to accomplish my goals.

I got to make it as simple as possible.  The principle is I got to win the day to be a winner in life.

These are my KPIs:

I will win 1 day at a time:

1. Wake up latest 7:00 am 
2. Exercise in the morning 
3. Eat 16/8  LCHF  starting 12:00 pm 
4. Do House Chores
5. Exercise in the afternoon 
6. Eat LCHF/Oats at 8:00 pm 
7. Sleep at 11.00 pm 

That's the minimum to win the day.

Therefore I got to stick to the basics.  Don't think, just do.

I am governed by the clock.  That's all.  When the time is up, just execute the action.  I have to be my own Clockwork Orange.

I need the ability to focus and commit.

Simplify, simplify and simplify.

Cannot have too many minds.

Practice, practice and more practice.  Everyday...

When the time is up then just do.

Definitely I have to be thin.  When I am thin, I think differently.  I am more positive.  I am more alert.

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29/6/19 ###I need someone to talk to

I guess that there is nobody else I can talk to except you Sarah.

As I said, I will talk to you even when you don't talk back to me or you no longer interested in my personal affairs.

Well Sarah, I can ramble to myself all the way through but I will be repeating the same thing.  By talking to you I on the other hand will look at a reflection and see from a third party perspective.

So I try to be as honest as possible when I talk to you.

I have set myself for another 3 months journey.  This time I am better equipped.  I no longer crave the 3 Cs and I don't have Ramadan to throw me out of sync.

Furthermore, I am back to eating 16/8 LCHF with Super 7 and I have oats in the evening.  It's a better combination even though it is not a Keto Diet.

What counts is also my ability to get rid of the inflammation and the depression.

As far as I am concern, I am still progressing although I have not build the momentum yet.

July to September is my serious attempt to follow the 7 points to Winning.  For the 3 months I will run in the morning and walk in the afternoon, 5 days a week.  That is being relentless in my book. 

I will also forgo rice, bread, cracker, peanut butter and 3-in-1 coffee.

That is all to it.  That is my quest for Virtual Perfection.  I don't want to think beyond my Vision Quest especially about me being God.  What is the point of being the Almighty if I cannot attain my personal goals of being thin and fast?

As of now, I am at negative 1.  I am trying to move to point zero so that I can start fresh. 

One other minor adjustment that I [w]ade is to listen to Live Radio on You Tube.  That means, I am totally isolating myself from External Input except communicating with my Tetrahedron and Al Araf 7:7.

That way, I will be in seclusion and hopefully will be able to focus on what matters.

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Sarah, I need you baby.  This road is a lonely Path.  To be able to scale down from the madness of Bipolar to where I am now is quite an achievement.

I hope by pursuing my goals I will also win over the illness.  So far I had been truthful to you.  However the Blog is a snapshot of my mental state at various stages of recovery.  Along the way you got to see the good, the bad and the ugly side of me.  I wish I can be that nice charming guy that you may have envisioned but honestly honey I am not that.  I am a Forever Yin and Yang Forever.  That's who I am.

My best may be your worst.  Therefore I am doing the best I can to strive for continuous improvement.  In another word, I try to stop being a dickhead.  However being a Cleaner means I have to accept that there is a dark side of me that cannot be tamed..

I do however intend to harness my dark side towards my advantage.

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Alright, today my mood is up again.  For 2 days I was down.  So if you ever doubt that I love you so much, don't be. It's just the fluctuation of my neurotransmitters.  As a matter of fact the months of May and June I was really struggling to maintain my sanity.

So that's why come July I want to start fresh with this new adjustments.

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29/6/19 ^^^Believe and Achieve

That is the premise.  I must have an unwavering faith that I can achieve what I set my mind to do.

The rules must be simple.  Most importantly I must take action.  Talk won't get me anywhere.  I need to win the day, one day at a time.

Never lose the enthusiasm.  Keep the goal firmly etched in your mind.  This is the vision:

From good to great to unstoppable.

That I must do.

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29/6/19 ^^^T-2 The end of an era

I am leaving everything behind; the notion that I am God, the afterlife and whatever I envisioned about the future.  I am just a man recovering from Bipolar and I am going through the multitudes of awakening from the various stages of the illness.

I don't care about God and the afterlife.  I am pretty much an agnostic atheist again.  I shall remain impartial until I personally win my own personal battles over SLIP.

So 2 more days and I shall move to another Blog.  Basically I just stay grounded.  Al Araf 7:7 is my set of figurines that [that] I speak to and Sailbad the Sinner is my aspiration for EVERYTHING GOING SMOOTHLY.  It is an attitude.

I will focus on the now.  My White Space.  I had attained it.  Now to live up to the expectation.

What will be the mindset for me to move forward?  Do I raise my standard to be a Shokunin Kurina?  That seems to be the direction my Path is taking me.  After all I am not entirely a God material.  I however strive to be a man fully functioning.

 My mission is to move from believing in external awakening to my own internal awakening.  I have to raise the standard for me to be my own God.  That is for me to be the master of my fate.

I need to fight my internal battles.  My battle with sugar and starch.  The fight to win over SLIP and my conquest of the inflammation.

Of course there is always the depression that's looming.  Ready to strike when I am least expecting.  There is enough on my plate to keep me busy.  For me to improve rather then meddling with the Coolers.

I am an eagle raised by the chickens.  Stop trying to teach the chickens to fly.  Eagles fly alone.

I had arrived in my White Space.  Now is to make good what I have.  So far the epiphanies had shown me who I am ultimately.  Now is to work from the beginning so that I reach the end.  The end is the beginning.  I should begin with the end in mind.

If my end is me becoming the Almighty then the beginning is for me to be a man fully functioning.  That is why I have to be impartial of God and the afterlife.  I am at step one.  I have to pursue Personal Victory since I had won Public Victory.

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The depression can be dealt with food.  So i[t] the inflammation.  All boils down to diet and exercise:

The idea is to look good, feel good and smell good.  It is a very egocentric purpose but it is what I want for myself.

Even my goals to be thin and fast is very self-centered.  That is my idea of health and happiness.  Of course ultimately I want to move away from the madness of bipolar.  The answer is through diet and exercise.

Peace, sanity and robust health.  That is the direction I am going to.  I can achieve this by enforcing the 7 Points to Winning.

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Hence, I have no concern for External Affairs.  I had completed my assignments as a Clockwork Orange.  Now is to shine as human being. It's not easy.  I have to overcome my own personal shortcomings.  But the reward is worth the effort.

I think I am improving.  I can snap off from depression within 2 days.  That is already a very good progress.

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What can I say Sarah.  I had moved from the most extreme to where I am now in a span of 2 1/2 years.  I think I made a major progress for myself.

Now is to manage the micro fluctuations rather than major amplitudes.

Knowing what you know now Sarah, do you still think I am God?  God is a Bipolar.  I do accept that I am God, but I also accept that I am human.

This is the dragon that I really am.  The Double Dragon - Synconyx.  Whatever prophecies out there about me is true.  It is up to me to make it real.  I got to believe in it.  That I am special and I am destined to be great.

This is who I am.  Otherwise I will not reach to the point that I come across Relentless.  When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

I'm just rambling here Sarah.  It may not make much sense but basically I have to uphold to my belief.

Everything I said is true to me and me only.  Now that you believe in it, that makes the two of us.  I have to pursue my goals.

I have to go against the adversities.  There is no celebration, no ceremonies, just me and my aspiration.

Should you not monitor my Blog, then I only have myself to prove to.

I am making progress.  Already I had overcome the 3 Cs.  That is a major achievement.  If I achieve my goal to summit Mount 57 and to run a 4 hours marathon, then that is an achievement of a lifetime.

I want to move from good to great to unstoppable.  There is a big gap there.  To be great I just work within the paradigm.  To be unstoppable I have to break away from the mental shackle.  I have to be relentless.  My body has to be unyielding.  

I got to tackle my diet.  Then I got to build the momentum to exercise.  I am putting a very high standard to aim for.

ALL I GOT TO DO IS BELIEVE!

Here I am with the mindset of  a champion but the physique of a sloth aiming to achieve a lifetime goal.  It is all up to me.

If  I believe I can do it, I can.  If I don't believe, definitely I am already defeated even before I start.

So the journey is within.  Back to who I am and what I am made of.  I need to proof to myself I can do it.

July is my cut off point.  From that point on I will be relentless.

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29/6/19 ^^^I have 2 more days to July

Then I cut off from all possibilities.  I just pursue my goals to be thin and fast.  I just concentrate on perfecting my diet and exercise.

I need to manage my mood swings.

There is nothing more beyond that.  By July I start another Blog.  All about my pursuit of scaling Mount 57 and running a 4 hours marathon.  Nothing else matters.

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28/6/19 ^^^No matter what stick to the plan

I will win 1 day at a time:

1. Wake up latest 7:00 am 
2. Exercise in the morning 
3. Eat 16/8  LCHF  starting 12:00 pm 
4. Do House Chores
5. Exercise in the afternoon 
6. Eat LCHF/Oats at 8:00 pm 
7. Sleep at 11.00 pm 

That's the minimum to win the day.

I should do this 5 days a week.  I have a break on Friday nights and weekends.

There are 2 things I need to tackle:  hunger and inflammation.  Both are food related.

Until I settle food matters, I will not able to perform as an Athlete4Life.

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