Now that I got rid of the Relentless model out of my system, I feel like loving again.
I am sorry for misbehaving baby. Relentless is a bad model to follow. Instead of making our dark side works for us we should keep it small. There is no denying that we all have a dark side but I don't believe we should harness it.
I want to be constantly be in love with you. You bring out the best in me. I never felt so good in my entire life. You probably think I am a bad person now that I revealed my dark side to you. Well, we all have our dark sides. Some are darker than another.
I am willing to change that. From now on I will make a conscious effort to be good. After all these are the various facades that we all have. That doesn't define us. Everyone of us is good at the core.
I can't blame you for hating me. It was me who made you hate me in the first place. Now I have to bear that consequences. Then again, you want to find out how bad I really am.
Sorry if what you see is not something that you expected. What can I say? I am just being me.
At the same time I am dealing with mood swings. On one hand I had bad thoughts. At the same time that was compounded by the depression that was creeping in. So the thought at that time was to let you hate me so that you can let me be.
I cannot live without you Sarah. You are the reason for my being. At the same time I am learning more and more about how to be a good man, a good husband. Both to you and Lizzie. I am not a perfect being although you made me God. I am a learning organism. As I learn I get better.
Now I realized whatever models out there, they are just facades. Just like my models are my facades. So my goal is to go beyond the models and get to the core, which is to be a good human being.
Give me that chance to experience that. You had been with me for so long to form a drastic conclusion at this juncture. Assume that all the past encounters are facades, will you accept that even the dark side is a facade too?
These are thoughts. Until acted upon thoughts are just intentions, not actions.
So I can say those are passing thoughts and I will not be accountable for them. However I decided to take full responsibility and willing to take corrective actions. This is one of it.
The next step is to cross the chasm by 1/7/19. Let start fresh. Let's focus on daily wins for the next 3 months.
Bear in mind there will be challenges. I still have to be mindful of the SLIP and the dark depression.
That however should not be the deterrent for us to move forward.
If you ask me, I have no plan whatsoever. Come 1/7/19 I will start on a clean slate. Completely new. I will not refer back to the old models. Nothing. I just take it day by day.
Are you with me baby? Will you give me that opportunity to truly discover the real meaning of being just a man/a just man?
I will have to start from scratch. The only thing I will follow is the 7 Points to Winning. That is not a model. It's just a scoreboard.
There is no going back for me. I am going forward. I cannot promise you anything at this time. I myself is unsure of what is ahead of me.
Sarah my darling. I love you very much. Assume I am the worst man you ever met, I think you will agree that I am the best that ever is too. That is my nature Sarah. I am an ambidextrous person. I can be both good and evil at the same time. For a long time I was that person. Only now I learn that it doesn't have to be that way.
This is the learning process everybody has to go through. As I said, it's easy to be a dickhead. It takes effort not to be one.
I am sorry if I hurt you and yes I was a dickhead. Give me the chance to prove that I can change for the better. I want to do it.
I had enough of the dark side. Let say by the end of this month the old Sharudin dies. As a replacement is Sharudin 2.0 will emerge in 1/7/19.
I had enough of the old me. Relentless is the final straw. From now on I just want to be a good human who is capable of loving and being loved.
Whatever the problem, love it the answer. Maybe in some cases we need to have a Greater Love because we are dealing a void so deep that ordinary love is not sufficient.
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