When I smoke dope, I was crazy with BJ.
Now my aim is to stop being crazy.
Therefore I will totally discard all External Affairs and just spend time with myself. It's only fair that I manage my own madness.
I think if I manage my sugar and healthy fat intake I should be able to do it.
Definitely I should stop interacting with TraXX. By right I should *[be] interacting with you too.
* Did you write this Sarah? I get confused at times. I type really slow because my right wrist is hurting. It can't be my error. So you want me to write to you? You don't mind dealing with me?
You know I love you very much baby. However, I feel that I am not normal honey. Am I capable of loving if mentally I cannot control myself?
Darling, are you still willing to hangout with me knowing I am a nutcase?
--------------
I had a splitting headache just now. The moment I had the Hari Raya cookies, the headache disappears.
OK Sarah, here is the deal... You are welcome to stick around. However bear in mind I am not your ordinary guy. I have wild imaginations. If you can put up with all that, we can get along fine.
As for me, I had accepted this condition of mine. I just go with the flow. After all the Blog is my sanctuary. Here I can be anybody that I want to be.
Rationally, I am an Athlete4Life. However along the way depending on my neurotransmitters fluctuation I can be the Almighty even.
In my current condition I don't buy that. I am a man with a mental illness. Those thoughts were what I conceived during the various stages of the escalations.
In normal situation I don't even care about God and the afterlife. I just want to live a normal life. Even that is not entirely normal. I speak to figurines and the Alphabet Nymph. Nevertheless it is better than walking naked around the neighborhood or being strapped to the bedpost in the psychiatric ward.
Being in psychosis is a terrifying experience. I have passed that stage but still I am NOT normal.
I however decided who I want to be depending on the fluctuation of the neurotransmitters. I can either be God or a recovering mental patient. That is the range. Somewhere in the middle I am an Athlete4Life and Sharudin the Sloth.
This chart explains it:
Now as you can see, I have a clear idea where I am and where I am going. Bear in mind that depending on my mental and physical states I can slip to any of the other undesirable quadrants.
Now baby that is just a map. Ideally there is where I should be at. However, I believe the reality will look like this:
That's what the diagram looks like to a Fuzzy Thinker.
As you can see Sarah, this is not a cut and dry situation. We are talking about a complex real life situation.
I even wonder if I will ever recover or I am really God! Part of me want to believe, part of me is saying it's the illness.
For the purpose of achieving sound mental health I have to accept the fact that John Nash suffered similar illness and he eventually accepted that he is not being normal. If I have to get well, I too have to discard the epiphanies and accept I am just another mental patient.
I however believe whatever the circumstances, I will be with you for eternity.
Like I said, I am not discounting the entire experience. However I am more weary about the whole experience because I am mentally ill.
---------------------
No comments:
Post a Comment